(a DC Bunker) - Precedent (not a typo) Biden announced this afternoon that he had consulted "the highest authority possible" as he made his decision to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan.

      "We [the US] will definitely not be withdrawing any troops from Afghanistan," said the nation's leader. "We have too much to lose by not getting out of there altogether, so we're definitely leaving. I have consulted the highest authority about this and other policies and they have indicated that signs point to yes."

      When the Precedent (not a typo) was reminded that he had just contradicted what he had just said, the world leader sniffed and pointed out that the highest authority preferred ice cream. He then said that only racists don't think ice cream is important and that he would be home between 8:00pm and midnight and that he would not be taking in any extra funds during that time.

      "Would someone please tell Hunter?" he asked.